6 months

Avery was born six months ago today. I really cannot believe it's been half a year already since we saw her and held her. Time goes by so fast. I was six months pregnant when she passed away. Six months, one week, and one day to be exact. I think I will have a hard time when I hit the day where Avery has been gone longer than she was here with us. It's sad how it won't take long to get there. She was here for such a short time. Should have been so much longer.

I went out with my mom today to buy things for our new house. Paint. Light fixtures. Bathroom mirror. Ceiling fans. It made me really happy and excited, but of course, I couldn't help thinking about how Avery should be shopping with us. Our day should have been revolving around her nap and her feedings. I really wish that's how the day was. I guess we will always think of our "alternate universe" life. How the days should be.

Avery isn't here. She never will be. As the months go on, that reallization becomes more and more 'normal.' The monthly anniversaries of her birth get easier as time flies by. But I still miss her like crazy.

While shopping at Kirkland's with my mom today, I found a sweet ornament with an 'A' on it. So perfect for Avery. I am dreading this Christmas without her. But this will be a lovely way to remember her and celebrate her during the holidays.

Happy 6 months in Heaven, sweet baby. Mommy & Daddy love you.

Another No

Another month gone. Another month with no rainbow.

I try not to get too sad but I really can't help it. Today was really hard for me when I found out that I wasn't pregnant. Again. I know it's only been four cycles. My amazing cousin went through 43 cycles before she had her sweet son through IVF, so I know I should not be complaining. But still... After a loss, it's so hard to be patient and wait for what we should already have in our arms. I am grateful that I have the ability to get pregnant... But it's the staying pregnant that's the issue.

It took five cycles with Avery. I got pregnant in September. Found out in October. If I were to get pregnant next cycle, it would be the same exact timing as with Avery. The fifth cycle trying. Due in June. I don't know if I could do that. I think it would be sad to experience the same milestones at the same times of the year but with a different baby. Would it be confusing to me? Would it be too 'deja vu' and not feel like a second child, but (if this makes sense) Avery again? I wonder if we should take a TTC break for the next month... But time is ticking away. And this takes long enough without prolonging it and taking time off.

I spoke to another cousin of mine today (my best friends are my cousins and siblings, just a little FYI) and she said that maybe getting pregnant around the same exact time I did last year might just be a blessing in disguise. How would I feel if October 16th (the day we found out I was pregnant) came around and still no baby? (Of course that day is preceded by Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, so I am in for a treat!) I think my cousin has a point... I really just think that I would like to pregnant by Christmas. The thought of the holidays makes me feel sad and I'm actually dreading Christmas this year. It just reminds me of being pregnant with Avery and thinking that it would be our last Christmas without her... Actually, it was our only Christmas with her.

Anyone who has tried to conceive knows how frustrating and tiring it can be month after month. How much 'work' it gets to be. The money spent on pregnancy tests, ovulation predictor kits... (And the insult of having to buy tampons after every negative!) Again, I am grateful to be able to do so, but I am just in awe and wonder over how people get pregnant on accident. How does it not happen month after month when trying on purpose but for some people it can just happen on accident when they're not even paying attention to their cycle? Awesome for them! But it's so disheartening to me.

There have been some articles online that some lovely BLMs have passed on to me or mentioned to me about taking baby aspirin while TTC and how it might affect ovulation. I stopped taking my baby aspirin a couple weeks ago so if it was affecting my ovulation, this could be why we have had no success yet. Maybe without it, next month will be another story. My hematologist did tell me to start taking it after I find out I'm pregnant anyway. Who knows...

This post may have been somewhat pointless... Mostly just my rambling on and on and on. Nothing eloquent or moving. Nothing life-changing or profound. But these are my thoughts, late at night. And this is my blog so here it is. :)