Brother and sister

There's a big piece of my heart that has been mended since Jude was born. A Rainbow Baby does bring so much healing. My arms are no longer empty. My house doesn't lack the sounds of a little one. There are finally pacifiers, burp cloths, and little socks scattered in random places... These things and so many more that I have been dreaming of are finally a reality for us. But do not be mistaken. I still miss her.

I miss Avery everyday. I look at Jude's little face and I wonder if he looks like she would have. I hear his cry and his little sounds and wonder what hers would have sounded like. I see Jude's beautiful blue eyes and wonder what it would have been like to see Avery looking back at me. I cuddle Jude, all warm and alive, and I wonder what it would have been like to cuddle Avery with the absence of coldness and death. I wonder what it would be like to see Avery play with Jude, like a sister and brother play. Would she be helpful or jealous? Would she be gentle or rough with him? I know they would have grown up to be best friends, just like I am with my brothers.

I'll always be left to wonder, because Avery still isn't here. And it's still hard without her. Jude doesn't erase or replace her. He doesn't fill her void. He just distracts us from it. I praise God for the gift of Jude. He's amazing and beautiful. Such a precious little brother.

Sadly enough, something I was looking forward to was bringing Jude to the cemetery to visit his big sister. It was the only way we could have our babies be together. So on October 5th, it happened. We got to take Jude to Avery's spot. It was a very special, bittersweet moment.

Here's Jude at 9 weeks 3 days, actually just 3 days after his due date. He's "holding" Avery's new pinwheel.

The sun was crazy that day, but here they are... my babies. "Together."

We came back on October 8th to visit again.

Me with my kids. Not the way I planned it.

Daniel with our two babies. He's such a great Daddy to both of them.

I still can't believe it most times that this is our story. When you have a baby, so many people ask "is this your first?" I always tell the truth. "No. He has a big sister who was stillborn last year." Usually something to that effect. I don't care if I make them uncomfortable or if they feel awkward. Avery is still my first baby and she always will be. She is Jude's sister and he will always be her brother. He will grow up knowing about her and loving her as if she was here with us. Jude will know that she's waiting for us in Heaven. We will be with her again someday.