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It's been on my mind for a while now... consolidating my blogs and keeping every aspect of my life in one place. With Jude on one blog and Avery on another, I have left so many things out, feeling that my posts needed to be about just one child or the other and that my writing was limited by categorizing my blogs so specifically. I have decided to change Jude's blog, For this child I prayed, into our family blog, renaming it Beautiful things. I'm thinking about getting a domain name... I guess we'll see...

The Avery Diaries has been an outlet for me these past two years and it's offered a much needed opportunity to meet so many amazing women out there who share the same pain. I have loved this blog so much. It will stay up, as a reminder of the path I have traveled and how far I have come. I hope it serves as a piece of Avery's legacy, a testament that she was here. I hope it will remain a tool for newly bereaved mothers, grasping for something to relate to. I also hope that the readers I have had here will follow me over to the new blog. I plan to share so much more of our lives. I'm excited that I will have the chance to do that.

Avery's 2nd Birthday

Avery's 2nd birthday is Heaven was on March 13th. It was much different this year. In good ways and in bad ones. It was good because Jude is here. We only had the desperate hope of him last year. But it was bad because so many more dreams have been lost in the past year. We didn't know last year that Avery would be the only daughter we would ever have. It changes things. It makes the loss even harder.

This year, we also made Avery's day special for our family. Daniel was off work, thank God, so we took Jude down to the Gulf of Mexico for lunch. It was a beautiful day and Jude attracted so much attention. That always makes us smile. It was fun because it was Jude's first time to the Gulf. He won't remember it, but we have the photos to prove it.

From there, we went shopping to buy some things for Avery's grave. We like to go a little overboard on her birthday and really decorate a lot. It's fun to buy things for her since we never really get to like a normal parent would. It's nice to feel like we're doing something special for her. We don't get to feel like that often.

 Later, we met up with my family and Daniel's at the cemetery for the balloon release. This time, we got one balloon for each person and brought Sharpie's for everyone to write a little message to Avery on their balloons. I really liked that idea and it touched my heart to watch everyone diligently scribble a loving message for our little girl.

Last year when we let the balloons go, it struck a strange chord and I immediately began to cry. This time didn't feel that way. I'm not sure why. It was neat to watch the balloons drift away together into the sunset, forming a perfect cross in the sky. I wondered how far they would make it and if it was possible for anyone to come across them later and read them. What would they think? I also wonder if God lets Avery get a glimpse of these little things we do for her, so she knows how much she is loved. And so she knows who she is waiting for up in Heaven. I really don't know how that works. I guess one day, we'll find out.

Jude even had his own little balloon. We wrote 'Jude loves his big sister in Heaven' on it. He held it for a while, bopping it up and down as he flailed his little arms. It was very cute and we laughed a lot. Then suddenly, he just let go and his balloon sailed off toward ours. It felt so special that Jude released a balloon for his sister. I was 11 weeks pregnant with him the last time we did this. It was amazing that just a year later, he is here, releasing balloons with us. I am so grateful for the blessing of Jude in our lives.

We decorated Avery's grave, giving her fresh flowers just like last year. She got a total of three pinwheels. They are our favorite thing to give her. They remind us so much of her now.

We love making a big deal about her birthday. I'm so glad that we do it. I'm glad we've started this tradition. Jude will grow up with this and he will know his big sister as if he met her himself. She deserves that. She's the reason Jude is here.

It is still so hard without Avery here. Yes, Jude softens that blow, but we will never be the same. Daniel and I shed many tears during her birthday week, reliving it all. We still miss her so much. We should have a sweet little toddler running around, but we don't. Jude should have a playmate, but he won't. There are so many 'should have been's and that's what makes it so difficult. Avery is our little girl and she always will be.

This year we didn't mourn Avery the way we did last year. This year we celebrated her. We celebrated the life she lived, although brief. Because she lived, Jude is here. Because she died, Jude is here. We learned what we needed to know from her. She taught us how to save her brother. She is a miracle and a hero and we will always celebrate her.

Happy birthday, sweet girl. We love you.

2 Years

Today was the two year anniversary of the most devastating day of our lives. The day Avery's heartbeat could not be found. The day we found out she slipped away in my womb. The day we were told I'd have to deliver her. Two years. How has it been so long and still feel so recent that I can remember each and every detail? It has changed our lives. It's changed who we are inside and out. It's changed the way things affects us. It's changed the way we fit in with the world. It's changed everything.

It feels worse this year knowing that the only daughter I'll ever get to have, I lost. On Avery's birthday last year, I was 11 weeks pregnant with Jude, praying and believing that losing Avery would be the biggest pain we'd ever know and that everything would be okay from then on. That was before I knew that Jude would have to be our last. Before I knew Avery would be our only daughter. Ever. So even though another year is between those raw early days and now, there is a new element to grieve everyday. My only daughter is dead. And I've lost a lifetime of joy with her.

I often wonder what people think. Do they roll their eyes or do they try to empathize? Do they think it shouldn't matter or do they understand? I really wouldn't want to know. It would kill me if the people I care about could ever shrug off something so sacred to me. Avery is my daughter. It doesn't matter if she was here for one day, one year, one month, or one lifetime. She was here.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of when I went into the hospital for induction to have Avery. And finally, Tuesday, the 13th is Avery's 2nd birthday. I can't believe she's been gone for two years. I can't believe this has been our life for two years.  I don't know how that much time has passed. How did we make it this far?

I miss her. I miss her so much.

Avery Bear

A week ago, on January 28th, I received a very special surprise in my mailbox. My Avery Bear arrived.



My special bear was made by a lovely organization called Molly Bears. They make beautiful weighted teddy bears for bereaved parents.  I was only on the waiting list for a short time, so I was pleasantly shocked to receive mine so soon.

I was even less prepared for how emotional it would be for me when I picked up the soft fluffy clump out of the box. The small pink bear weighs 8.2oz, just as much as my Avery weighed. Feeling my baby girl's weight in my hands once again released a sudden flood of emotions. I don't know if I can explain it, but the second I held it, I felt like it had only been yesterday that I'd felt Avery in my hands. The weight of the bear felt so familiar. I bawled for my daughter like I haven't in quite a while. I felt closer to her. She felt less distant. Less in the past. I couldn't believe that a small weighted teddy bear could do that for me. To snuggle that stuffed animal was so comforting. I am so grateful to have it. It will forever be a huge part of our family. A special symbol of our precious little girl.

My precious boy with his big sister's bear.