Avery's 2nd Birthday

Avery's 2nd birthday is Heaven was on March 13th. It was much different this year. In good ways and in bad ones. It was good because Jude is here. We only had the desperate hope of him last year. But it was bad because so many more dreams have been lost in the past year. We didn't know last year that Avery would be the only daughter we would ever have. It changes things. It makes the loss even harder.

This year, we also made Avery's day special for our family. Daniel was off work, thank God, so we took Jude down to the Gulf of Mexico for lunch. It was a beautiful day and Jude attracted so much attention. That always makes us smile. It was fun because it was Jude's first time to the Gulf. He won't remember it, but we have the photos to prove it.

From there, we went shopping to buy some things for Avery's grave. We like to go a little overboard on her birthday and really decorate a lot. It's fun to buy things for her since we never really get to like a normal parent would. It's nice to feel like we're doing something special for her. We don't get to feel like that often.

 Later, we met up with my family and Daniel's at the cemetery for the balloon release. This time, we got one balloon for each person and brought Sharpie's for everyone to write a little message to Avery on their balloons. I really liked that idea and it touched my heart to watch everyone diligently scribble a loving message for our little girl.

Last year when we let the balloons go, it struck a strange chord and I immediately began to cry. This time didn't feel that way. I'm not sure why. It was neat to watch the balloons drift away together into the sunset, forming a perfect cross in the sky. I wondered how far they would make it and if it was possible for anyone to come across them later and read them. What would they think? I also wonder if God lets Avery get a glimpse of these little things we do for her, so she knows how much she is loved. And so she knows who she is waiting for up in Heaven. I really don't know how that works. I guess one day, we'll find out.

Jude even had his own little balloon. We wrote 'Jude loves his big sister in Heaven' on it. He held it for a while, bopping it up and down as he flailed his little arms. It was very cute and we laughed a lot. Then suddenly, he just let go and his balloon sailed off toward ours. It felt so special that Jude released a balloon for his sister. I was 11 weeks pregnant with him the last time we did this. It was amazing that just a year later, he is here, releasing balloons with us. I am so grateful for the blessing of Jude in our lives.

We decorated Avery's grave, giving her fresh flowers just like last year. She got a total of three pinwheels. They are our favorite thing to give her. They remind us so much of her now.

We love making a big deal about her birthday. I'm so glad that we do it. I'm glad we've started this tradition. Jude will grow up with this and he will know his big sister as if he met her himself. She deserves that. She's the reason Jude is here.

It is still so hard without Avery here. Yes, Jude softens that blow, but we will never be the same. Daniel and I shed many tears during her birthday week, reliving it all. We still miss her so much. We should have a sweet little toddler running around, but we don't. Jude should have a playmate, but he won't. There are so many 'should have been's and that's what makes it so difficult. Avery is our little girl and she always will be.

This year we didn't mourn Avery the way we did last year. This year we celebrated her. We celebrated the life she lived, although brief. Because she lived, Jude is here. Because she died, Jude is here. We learned what we needed to know from her. She taught us how to save her brother. She is a miracle and a hero and we will always celebrate her.

Happy birthday, sweet girl. We love you.