After the Rainbow

Our Rainbow baby will be 9 weeks old tomorrow, October 2nd. That day is also his due date. Jude Wesley was born on July 31st at just 31 weeks gestation. The same thing that took Avery was beginning to happen to our little boy. He had to be born via emergency c-section and spent four weeks and four days in the NICU. He's been home for just three days shy of how long he was in the hospital. Funny how it goes so much slower in the NICU. He's already getting so big. I wish time could slow down...

So, how is life after the Rainbow? Has our grief over the loss of Avery changed since Jude has been born? I can imagine some people may expect us not to miss Avery anymore, or maybe that everything is fixed now that we have "a real baby." In a lot of ways, Jude makes us miss her even more, experiencing all of the things we mourned losing with her. Finally being able to lose sleep at night to nurture a precious baby, instead of losing sleep because you can't stop crying over your empty aching arms. Oh, and I was right... having to get up all night long to feed and change a crying baby is nothing compared to what I got to do after I had Avery. Being Jude's mom is so much easier than being Avery's mom. It's nice to know I wasn't mistaken. I knew exactly what I was missing with Avery. The challenge of parenting is worth every second and I take on all of it gladly. I cherish it. This is exactly what I wanted, everything I dreamed of. Life is perfect. Well, almost.

You would have to read my latest post in Jude's blog to see why things aren't all they could be. And then you'll know how I feel about the fact that I cannot have anymore children. Avery and Jude are all I get. Yes, I am physically able to conceive, but the risk is too great. I cannot handle another loss and it would be selfish to put my life on the line. But it's not easy to accept. I am not ungrateful for the gift of Jude, but I just didn't expect this to be our life. I just don't think it's fair.

Today, Daniel and I were talking about how we will never experience a daughter. We lost the only one we could ever have. I'll never braid my little girl's hair or dress her up in pretty outfits. I'll never have dolls or Barbies lying around my house. No pink... No little toenails to paint. I won't be able to teach my daughter how to use make-up or listen to her talk about her crushes. I'll never have that amazing mother-daughter relationship that I share with my own mother. After losing Avery, I didn't know I would never get the chance to experience all the girl things with another daughter in the future. I had no idea Avery would never have a sister. Now I feel like that's another form of loss to deal with. As much as I love having a son, there will still be something we missed out on. Something we were supposed to have.

Having another baby after a loss doesn't erase anything. It doesn't replace the baby that died. I really hope people don't believe that. I miss thinking that Avery's death was the only burden I'd have to carry. The Rainbow is supposed to be the end of the storm and I wish that were still so. I am cherishing every second with Jude... every accidental smile, every little preemie grunt, every silly expression, every yawn, every cute sneeze, every breath, every thing... But after he's outgrown each stage, I can never have that back. I can never experience it the next time around with another baby. This is it. I wish losing Avery was enough devastation for one life.

In a way I feel like Avery sort of died in vain, for lack of a better word. I really believed that she died to save the rest of her siblings. That her death taught us what was wrong with my body so we could make my next pregnancies safe and we would find victory over my mutations. Turns out, all the extra difficult intervention only bought us six weeks and we nearly lost Jude the same way we lost Avery. And there won't be anymore siblings to live for her. I always pictured several little ones in our home, alive because of Avery. Enjoying life because of Avery. I know Jude is alive because of Avery... but it almost wasn't a happy ending for him. My body failed to carry a pregnancy to term once again. The one thing I swear I was made for, my body cannot handle. This is a low blow to me, a slap in the face.

I know my heart will begin to heal over this new reality, the loss of my dream of having a big family. I know the time will pass and it will become the new normal, just like life without Avery has become. And one day, we will be able to tell Jude about his big sister and how amazing she is. He will grow up loving her and he'll know that she is in Heaven waiting, saving a special place just for us.