One year ago

Yesterday, the 16th, was a big day for Daniel and me. It struck a bigger chord for us than the previous day, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant with Avery.

I remember that Friday morning so perfectly. It was our fifth cycle trying and we were just ready to finally have our precious baby on the way. I got up early with Daniel as he got ready for work so I could take the test with him. We huddled together in our little, outdated, 80's blue bathroom at our old house, waiting for the digital screen to answer the way we dreamed of. And it did.

We were so used to seeing 'Not Pregnant.' It was amazing to see otherwise. As soon as the single word appeared, I let out something between a shriek and a laugh, and I threw my arms around Daniel, tears of sheer joy streaming down my cheeks. Daniel cried too. This was it. Our dream was coming true. We were having a baby.

After Daniel left for work, I tried going back to sleep for a few hours but it was so difficult! After finally succeeding for a little while, I got up and started writing in my pregnancy journal, The Belly Book, that we had purchased back in June when we'd first started trying. I was thrilled to be able to start answering the questions. It was like a dream come true. I pulled out "What To Expect When You're Expecting" and started reading it again, this time meaning so much more since I was actually pregnant.

Daniel didn't want me to tell anyone without him. He wanted to be there. I thought that was sweet, but I was dying with this news!! I called my brother, Shaun, planning to just see what he was up to, and maybe if he wanted to hang out to distract me from the news I couldn't yet share. BUT! I ended up telling him on the phone. I couldn't help myself! I was way too excited! This was the ONE thing I wanted my whole life besides finding Daniel. How could I keep it to myself??

My first belly pic at five weeks. I know, I already look pretty pregnant. I'm not blessed with a nice body, so most of that fanny pack you see is just me. (Please excuse the hideous blue toilet.)

So, Shaun met up with me and we went out to lunch together and then to the Hallmark store. I wanted to let mine and Daniel's parents know in a creative way. I ended up with a frame and a photo brag book.

The frame for my parents

The brag book for Daniel's parents

The inside of the brag book

I could not wait to share these little gifts with our parents and let them know they were going to be grandparents. I had to wait until the next day, a year ago today, the 17th, to tell all of them. It was our 1st wedding anniversary weekend and we were making our rounds to see our families. We were about to head off to Orlando for the night to celebrate our anniversary. First we went to Daniel's parents' house and told them and his brother, Andy. It was such a happy time. Tears of happiness. Lots of hugs.

At my family's house, we gave them their frame and they were overjoyed as well. My mom knew it. :) They took us out to lunch at Guido's to celebrate our coming baby and our anniversary. We went to the same restaurant Daniel proposed to me at, the same one we had our wedding rehearsal dinner at. I started calling cousins and other family members, sharing our news. Everyone was so happy. We felt so special.

After lunch, it was off to Orlando for Daniel and me. It felt so magical. So perfect. So surreal. But it felt like this was exactly the way it was supposed to be. We thoroughly enjoyed our night in Orlando, spending the next day, October 18th, our anniversary, on cloud nine. Maggiano's for lunch. Wonderworks for Daniel. Seeing 'The Stepfather' at the movies. Long walks up and down International Drive. Strolling around the shops at Pointe Orlando. We talked about the baby so much. All the joy that was awaiting us. We were beyond ecstatic. So ready. So happy. So excited.

Us after arriving at our hotel room. We don't get to do things like go on vacation, so this was an even more amazing treat for us.

Our 1st wedding anniversary. So in love and so much to celebrate.

Taking a walk down International Drive, so silly and happy. :)

We knew our lives were about to change completely... but just not in the way that it did. Over the next several weeks, I worried about miscarriage, like most newly pregnant women do. But after I got past the first trimester, losing the baby wasn't a thought in my mind at all. I didn't mind feeling like crap, throwing up after brushing my teeth, feeling exhausted... I welcomed it all because it meant I was about to get everything I have ever wanted. A beautiful baby with the man I love. What more could anyone want?

So now, a year later... about to celebrate two years of marriage, life is much different than we thought it'd be last year. We should have an almost four month old. We should have to get a sitter tomorrow night when we go out to dinner. I wouldn't be typing this. I probably wouldn't even have a blog. I would have Avery. We would be taking countless pictures of her, instead of her grave as we redecorate it. We'd be dressing her in Fall colors and taking her to a pumpkin patch for our own little photo shoot. We'd be picking out an adorable Halloween costume for her. She'd be at my birthday next weekend.

I can't believe it's been a year since we found out Avery was coming. And we didn't know it would be just five more months until we found out she wasn't here to stay.



October 15th - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Thinking of all of our precious babies today. <3

(Click to enlarge!)

This photo was taken by my husband, Daniel. This sycamore tree is very important to us. It shades "The Garden of Angels" in the cemetery where the babies, including Avery, rest. <3

Wishing all of you love and sending hugs on this day. Our babies will never be forgotten.

"... I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before Me." - Isaiah 49:15

I'm Still Here!

I have been very absent from this blog. I don't know if anyone noticed or missed me, but here I am. ;)

I guess a lot has happened in the last month. Daniel got a nurse's assistant job at a health and rehab center. He works nights though and that has been a tough thing for us. All last week, I cried when Daniel was leaving for work. It was pathetic! I just couldn't stand being alone all night and going to bed without him. Through this, we have realized all over again how very very VERY much we love each other. We're crazy about each other and I love that. I think I have the best husband in the whole world! :) He truly is my best friend.

Our rainbow has still not come to grace us with hope but I am okay with that. Five cycles and counting, more than it took with Avery. But... I am okay with that too.

Today (well, yesterday, since it's well after midnight, but to me it's still "today" since I have not gone to bed yet) was seven months since Avery was born. I really cannot believe that it's been that long since we last saw her and held her. But then again, it does feel so foggy and far off. Being pregnant and perfectly blissful feels like another lifetime ago.
Today, I actually went to the hospital, and to the labor and delivery suites to visit my cousin who had her baby boy, Parker, on Tuesday. It was the first time I had been past the lobby since the day Avery was born. I walked right down the same hall my amazing nurse, Daniele, led me down exactly seven months and one day before. It played out in my head, Daniele's arm around me, leading me to my room to get ready to deliver my still baby girl. How I cried and leaned on her, my husband and parents trailing behind us. The smell of the hallway struck me instantly, bringing me right back to that day as if it were happening again. It was so strange. I almost got upset. But I pressed on. My cousin was three rooms sooner than the room I'd been in. I was glad I didn't have to walk past it and that she wasn't in that room. That just would have been too much.
I was proud of myself for staying cool. But that all too familiar feeling crept in. That feeling of dread and reluctance and longing... It's so hard to explain. The one where you just hate your circumstance and you feel so desperate and anxious to change it. I feel that way a lot lately. I feel left out in my own family. I've noticed that lately. When my entire (large) extended family gets together, I feel so alone. Of the many grandchildren that live locally and come to our gatherings, I am one of four females that doesn't have any children to show for. The other three are ages 17, 15, and 6. Nice. My cousins and aunts are always chatting about kids and pregnancy and childbirth and some things apply to me but even when I pipe in, I feel like I'm just the girl talking about her dead baby again. And the longing returns. And I wish I was rocking a four month old Avery in my arms as I offered my opinion on epidurals or shared how long it took for my baby to sleep through the night. It's just hard. And it's easy to feel like people forget...

Wow, I sound like I'm not doing well, reading back over what I have typed! I am actually better than ever, believe it or not! I've never felt more like the old me than I do now. I feel so trusting of God and whatever He has next. I've been pretty happy, which is why I have stayed away. I think about my loss enough on my own without being reminded or dwelling on it. I have stepped back from blogging and Facebook because I have really felt the need for more privacy and more independence. I love all of my BLM friends but I have just needed to take a step back to work on myself and my emotional health. I need to be as positive as possible while trying again and preparing for a second baby. I guess paying so much attention to the losses just makes me feel so much more fearful that it could happen again. It makes me feel like loss is the norm and that a living baby is the rarity. I hope that all makes sense without me sounding like a jerk! :)

But I'm still here... Picking up the pieces... and not moving on, but living on.