2 Years

Today was the two year anniversary of the most devastating day of our lives. The day Avery's heartbeat could not be found. The day we found out she slipped away in my womb. The day we were told I'd have to deliver her. Two years. How has it been so long and still feel so recent that I can remember each and every detail? It has changed our lives. It's changed who we are inside and out. It's changed the way things affects us. It's changed the way we fit in with the world. It's changed everything.

It feels worse this year knowing that the only daughter I'll ever get to have, I lost. On Avery's birthday last year, I was 11 weeks pregnant with Jude, praying and believing that losing Avery would be the biggest pain we'd ever know and that everything would be okay from then on. That was before I knew that Jude would have to be our last. Before I knew Avery would be our only daughter. Ever. So even though another year is between those raw early days and now, there is a new element to grieve everyday. My only daughter is dead. And I've lost a lifetime of joy with her.

I often wonder what people think. Do they roll their eyes or do they try to empathize? Do they think it shouldn't matter or do they understand? I really wouldn't want to know. It would kill me if the people I care about could ever shrug off something so sacred to me. Avery is my daughter. It doesn't matter if she was here for one day, one year, one month, or one lifetime. She was here.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of when I went into the hospital for induction to have Avery. And finally, Tuesday, the 13th is Avery's 2nd birthday. I can't believe she's been gone for two years. I can't believe this has been our life for two years.  I don't know how that much time has passed. How did we make it this far?

I miss her. I miss her so much.