10 days

Ten more days until Avery's first birthday. If things had gone the way they were supposed to, Avery would be eight months old. We wouldn't be planning her birthday for another four months. But we are... Only it's not a party. And it's not the kind of birthday we want it to be. It's the rememberance that she lived and she was born, but she doesn't live anymore.

Daniel and I visited the cemetery today. I still read her stone over and over and I find myself in disbelief that this is our life. When I step back and look at my world, I can't believe that this has happened to us. Even a year later it still just feels so wrong and so unfair. And wow... I can't believe it's been a year.

This week last year, we celebrated two of my brothers' birthdays. Sam's is the 1st of March and Shaun's is the 4th. We found out Avery was gone on the 11th. I remember thinking back to this week and wishing we could go back. It was the last normal week of our lives. When Avery was still here. And now, a year later, this week of brotherly birthdays just brings me back.

It does soften the blow to be pregnant again. I have that hope back. My arms aren't just empty. But Avery's absence still hurts and I still miss her every second.