These past few weeks, I have been visited by this nagging itch... An itch to do something with what has happened to us and our daughter. I want to reach out and make a difference in her name. That's why I started this blog in the first place, to hopefully speak a word that could encourage even one person. Or to bring awareness into this world where stillbirth is for the most part considered a taboo subject. But this blog alone has proven to not be enough. Yes, it has done some good so far and I have been so blessed by the comments and messages I have received from people. But there is still a nagging in my heart that there is more to be done.
I'm not quite sure what I am meant to do. But I know I am meant to do it. There are a lot of other Babyloss Moms out there who are putting their talents to good use for other fellow Moms out there, through websites, photography, jewelry making, etc. I have a love for photography. But when I consider that as an option, I draw a blank on what I could do with it. I think I'd even be willing to do what Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep does... going to hospitals to photograph families with their sleeping babies. I wasn't offered that when Avery died. Maybe that organization isn't available to my area.
I do feel like the hospital I delivered at was slightly ill-prepared for my situation. There would a lot of things that could have been done much differently, aside from the few amazing nurses I had that had once been in my shoes. But once their shifts were over and they had gone, it was a different story. Maybe I could put together a program for the hospital, and make myself available to counsel... Set up things to accommodate families that deal with pregnancy and infant loss. Is that even possible? Why would they allow me to do such a thing?
I'm not looking to make a job out of anything. I do not seek monetary gain for anything. I just desperately want to make a difference. I know how much an outstretched hand has made a difference for me. I want to pass that on to someone else. I don't want Avery's life to have meant nothing to this world. I want to do great things for her cause. I want to make her proud. I want to make beauty from these ashes.
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9 comments:
Your blog has made a difference to me!
I know that itch you are talking about. I have to make something good come out of Jacob's death and the grief that me and my family will always feel.
My hospital did have some plans in place for a stillbirth and I ended up meeting the Mom who started it. When her baby died 6 years ago, she didn't get anything from the hospital. She said she had to be pushy about it, but eventually she arranged for the following things to be given to baby loss mom's:
- A recognition of birth certificate. In Canada, if your baby is stillborn, you don't get any kind of birth certificate. I have 4 death certificates, but I wouldn't have anything about his birth if I hadn't received that.
- A folder with pamphlets on grief, local bereavement groups and information on how to stop milk production and when you can start exercising. It also has some government information about maternity leaves.
- A box that came with items for the baby, including a blanket, a sleeper (I think she gets them from an organization in the US called IRIS), a measuring tape, a teddy bear, a little hat and some baby lotion and body wash.
I am going to start working with her on it and I want to add another blanket to the box so that parent's can keep one and send the baby away in one. I would also like to add a list of suggestions that parents can do with their babies. In the shock of losing the babies, it is hard to think of everything. I would also like to add a condolence card and if it is allowed, my contact information.
I think she went to the head of Obstetrics first. I don't know if she pays for it all or fundraises for it or what. I'll talk to her again soon and ask her all this stuff.
Nicole,
I've been following and reading your "Avery Diaries" and have been in "awe" of everything you write and have shared through this traumatic experience. I am somewhat of a "private" person and do not share alot of emotions publicly. But I feel compelled to tell you with this last post, that you are one AMAZING young woman. I feel that you have found your "calling". You are a very, very compasionate person (just one of so many beautiful qualities you possess) and I feel that anything that you contribute to this most needed and deserving cause would be most beneficial to all the other women who have suffered the loss of a child as you and Daniel have. Keep doing what you are meant to do!
Love and prayers, Lisa
I completely understand the need to reach out. If you have a facebook, join the NILMDTS page. I got a message yesterday about a training that they are doing for photographers. If you go on their website you can put in your zip code and find our if their are any photogs in your area and their contact info. I have thought about that as well. It is almost a burning need to help someone else in this situation. Hang in there sweet mama. You are doing great even if it does not always feel like it.
Nicole, I feel the exact same way. It consumes me, really.
Maybe look to see what pregnancy/infant loss nonprofits are already established in your area and see if you can help. You're a great communicator and a wonderful photographer--maybe there is a project you could head up or something?
I feel like I am called to do something to help the "younger"/"young at heart"(?) babyloss moms out there (like myself). The packet I got from the hospital was all text-booky and the book I got from like 1974. I would have loved to have something a bit more recent and relateable. I want to get my area hospitals to allow me to put together a one-pager with some of the online resources listed on it (like the new Faces blog, which will eventually have other blogs and resources listed, Glow in the Woods, those sorts of things). I've also toyed around with the idea of turning my blog into a book and donating to hospitals, but that's a much bigger project than I can handle or think about right now. Maybe someday :)
You have a heart of gold and so much talent--I am so sure you will find something wonderful and so impactful to do in honor of Avery.
Xoxo
K
I am so moved by this post Nicole. I pray that you are able to make this possible. I know you would really make a difference. We're praying for you!
I did an internship at oak hill as a social worker and their administration was open to new ideas and programs. I think other hospitals in the area would also be open to your ideas, especially if you feel like they were ill prepared. The first step is to advocate. Make your thoughts known, believe it or not hospitals take comment cards seriously. Then to take the next step is to get a meeting with administration, which is actually not to hard to do. If you want to try to get a program or service started I will be more then happy to do some research and the background work needed and help you through the initial steps need to present to administration or to align your self with national organizations. I think reaching out is an amazing idea and has the potential to inform and help people in an area where there are little services available.
Lacey
Nicole... you know me... if I can do something to get you into the hospitals-- please let me know. I can sell someone their own dirty underwear-- so, I think I can get someone like you into any place you choose!!
Also, if you make me cry again... I'm coming to YOUR HOUSE!!!
Love you!
Hey friend, I have something that I would like to email to you but I can't find your email. Mine is lcjhill@yahoo.com. Would you mind sending me your email address?
I feel the itch too. We want so desperately to "mother" that helping other mothers going through similar circumstances as we did seems (to me atleast) to scratch that itch.
I am *so* grateful for the nurses at my hospital. They broke every single rule (well, most of them) to allow us as much time with Evan as possible. They let us decide when to turn off his life support. They did kick us out (politely I might add) for a bit so they could take out his belly button IV line in a sterile environment (and send it to pathology to test for anything and everything, just incase they missed something). They let us bathe, rediaper and dress Evan and hold him as much as we wanted before we left the hospital for good. The staff at both hospitals, where he was born and where he died, were totally amazing. Everyone just couldn't believe this had happened to us and were just as upset as we were.
The hospital we spent 4 days in has a couple walls outside their NICU and SCU areas that are plastered with photos of babies. Some have made it, some haven't. I'm doing a little something for their wall in memory of Evan. Part of my beauty from ashes.
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