This rollercoaster is such a crazy thing. It's so weird how sad I can be one day and be better the next. My last post, I was very down. I hadn't cried that hard in a while. Three days later, I feel okay again. Oh I miss my little girl, but it's not paralyzing or suffocating. Not today anyway.
I noticed so many little things that kept happening on Friday while I was having such a hard day. It was almost like God was trying to send me little things to ease my pain. After my post, I decided to drag myself out of my bed to get myself together. My pastor called to remind me about the men's breakfast the next morning if Daniel was interested. But then he asked me how I was doing. It was so genuine and so specific. I knew exactly what he was referring to. I love when people remember to ask how my heart is. How I am doing without my baby. I told him I had been having a hard time the past few days and he was so kind and encouraging. He used the personal experience of losing his mother years back and how it still affects him to this day.
Also on Friday, I got a card from one of my BLM Penpals in the mail. Perfect timing!! I got a call from my brother, wanting me to come over and spend time with him. He's always a breath of fresh air. He's such a crazy guy with such a great personality. It's hard to be too down around him. Get all three of my brothers together and forget it! :)
There's a difference now when I return to darker moods. Before, when these wounds were fresher, the mood was so much more hopeless and horrible. Now, even when I am crying and feeling desperately sorry for myself, I still have this knowledge that God is there beside me, broken because I am broken. He feels about us how we feel about our children. He hates to see us in pain. In the beginning, I wanted to blame Him, but now I know to put all of my trust in Him. He knows what's ahead on my path. I don't. I would never want to walk this road without Him.
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9 comments:
I'm glad your days are picking up. I'm on the same weird roller coaster up and down.
i have struggled greatly in my faith since losing kenny, and yet i still get great comfort thinking certain things that help to bring me peace were actually sent to me by god. i am glad you are feeling better.
Nicole... I have Olivia and my faith and walk is almost non-existent at this point. I have no idea how strong you actually are... because less than this would have ruined very strong people. You are a rock... even if your eyes seem to leak sometimes.
Love you girlie!
Ray
The rollercoaster is so hard! I've written many a posts about it too and it frustrates me to not know which part I'm on each day. But I'm finding each day a little easier and more manageable. Happy to hear there have been some easier days. Thinking of you.
I'm glad things are starting to look up. I love how many things can happen on a bad day to let you know you aren't alone.
I agree that the rollercoaster ride is so hard. Sometimes it is even hour to hour for me. I can feel devastated one hour, and then be laughing and smiling at something the next. It is a hard life to adjust to, but I trust that the hills and bumps in this ride will even out more eventually and become gently sloping hills.
I agree with you Nicole. This journey would be so hard without God. The roller coaster is definitely hard to adjust to. Must days I want off the ride, but there is no exit. I'm glad you are feeling a little bit better.
I liken it to a Scrambler instead of a rollercoaster. With a rollercoaster there's a point a and a point b. With a scrambler you just spin around every which way going crazy and getting dizzy!
I don't know where I would be without God. He has been such a strength to me. He listens to me and offers me encouragement through his spirit. He has been my father and my friend every step of this journey and I have never felt closer to him. He's also taken on the considerable task of caring for my son.
I am glad that yesterday was a better day. The roller coaster of emotions is so awful. Although the dips might not be as bad as they once were, they can still get really low. I am thinking about you and hoping today continues on an up. (((Hugs)))
Our journey is so difficult to bear alone but with the grace of God, we continue to live. I'm glad you're feeling better.
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