Confession

*Caution: Possible triggers*

There's something I have been keeping to myself lately. Keeping it from my blog is omitting a huge piece of my journey toward healing. That's what this blog is all about. I only ever want to depict my true self and be nothing but honest and real. So here it goes... Since June, Daniel and I have been trying to conceive our Rainbow Baby.

For those unfamiliar with BLM (that's 'Baby Loss Mom') terms, a 'Rainbow Baby' is a baby that comes after a loss... The rainbow after the storm.

I have been keeping this to myself because I've been afraid what others might think or say about it. Will people I know pass judgment on us because we're trying to have another baby? Will they think we don't miss or love Avery anymore? That we're over her? Will they think I'm too unstable to handle it? Will they not trust that a lot of prayer and thought and discussion has gone into this decision to try again? On top of living without Avery, and the worry of a repeat and all of the care and stress that will go into a second pregnancy, I don't think I can take any unsupportive judging chatter (that's unfortunately probably inevitable). So we have only told family and close friends so far.

And then I worry about my lovely fellow BLMs... Some are still very tender, with such raw pain, and deservedly so. I don't ever want to cause them any extra pain by throwing a topic in front of them that they are not ready to think about. I know the mere thought of another baby killed me when we first lost Avery. I would get upset at people who suggested it so soon after her passing. I couldn't imagine allowing another child to grow in my womb... To me, at that time, my womb was still hers. So, I've been afraid to put this out there for someone to stumble upon and have it hurt them in any way. I care so much about this community. I hope this post doesn't cause any anguish to anyone that may read it. I just didn't know how to document my journey without including this.

Taking the leap of faith into trying again is a huge step in the healing process. It took a lot to arrive at this point. We are in the middle of my fourth cycle of trying and each month that it hasn't happened, my husband and I have dealt with much disappointment and some sadness. Each month, I have wanted so badly to document these emotions here, but just wasn't sure if "the world" should know. Til now, I guess. It's such a big part of this story. How can I leave it out? Soon, there will be more of us taking this leap of faith and maybe my words can help them. I always long to help others in my shoes. It's become my purpose lately. I guess that's why I fear my news alienating or triggering pain for anyone or making me irrelevant to any of the Moms I have loved ministering to.

I am definitely scared to death, to be honest. Of course it crosses my mind often that this could happen to us again. That is my biggest fear. I pray to God that I never know what it's like to lose another child. But I can't hide from it forever. I can't let the fear win. Having a baby has been my dream in life for as long as I can remember. I will not lay down and die. I refuse to let go of that dream. Some days I'm not sure I can handle the risk. Other days, I feel so strong and sure. I know it will fluctuate constantly. I know there will be joy and fear in my next pregnancy. There will never again be any pregnancy bliss that I only knew with Avery, before I ever dreamed that I could lose her. But this time we'll know the precautions. I trust that God will give us strength.

I know another baby will never fix the wounds Avery's death left on our hearts. But another baby might be able to put band-aids over them... Maybe stop the bleeding. I know a new baby would bring about a whole new heap of things... showing us what we never got to experience with Avery. Or how she's not here to meet her little brother or sister. And lots more I won't find til we get there. But if we can get that baby home, alive and safe in our arms forever, it will bring a sure piece of true joy to our hearts.

After sharing all of that, I hope that it hasn't bothered anyone. If it has, I am so sorry. <3
I would like to ask anyone reading to keep Daniel and I in your prayers. This is such a huge step in our lives and we need all the help we can get. We are making ourselves vulnerable and putting our hearts on the line once again. I know once I am pregnant, times will be hard, some days will be scary. I ask for encouragement, prayers, and support if you're willing to offer it! Thank you so much. With everything I am, I thank you. <3