I've been doing so well... But not these past few days. I'm not sure why I've been so down and sad lately.
Oh wait.
Of course I do. My baby died.
But I really had been doing well. Feeling happy. No tears for weeks. Of course I missed Avery and thought about her constantly during those good weeks. But I felt hopeful and joyful. And I was so grateful to be able to feel those wonderful emotions so soon after losing my most precious gift. My Avery.
Maybe my happiness stemmed from the excitement of the new house. Maybe the plans to get in there and clean and paint distracted me from my pain. Now I realize there isn't much left to do to the house until we can finally move in November. So now that the house excitement has died down, is that why I'm feeling sad again? No distractions to divert the attention from my empty arms?
This happened back in May as well. I was having gallbladder attacks because my pregnancy had triggered gallstones. It was awful but it distracted me from what was going on in my heart. I was preparing for the surgery, all the while living in fear of having another attack. I could barely eat anything; I mostly lived on lettuce. I lost a good 18 or so pounds and felt excited about that. Then came my surgery. And I was special again because I'd been through that. Everyone wanted to know how I was doing and how it went. The attention felt great again because it hadn't lasted long enough when we lost Avery. But then it was over. I wasn't immobile anymore and my incisions were healing. Distraction gone. Pain returned.
So I wonder if that's all my happiness ever is. If I'm just distracted long enough to believe that I'm so much better. I don't know... I don't want to be down. I don't want to be sad. I think people expect me to be okay and to be strong. I feel sometimes like I have to perform and put on a happy face. I feel like there are people out there that I have to prove something to, because they insist on thinking evil about me, judging me through this without even knowing how I really am. Because they're not even there for me. But please tell me why I have to worry about what other people think? How come we're expected to cater to their feelings when this happened to us? God forbid it ever happened to them. Then they'd expect us to be completely accommodating. All we want is to grieve as we may. However we feel, that's how we feel. We have the right to have recurring sadness. It doesn't mean we're insane. We're not dangerous or deranged because our babies died. We love babies and hold them more sacred than we ever have.
I guess I've just noticed this trend. All of the wonderful baby loss moms I'm friends with struggle with so-called friends being vicious to them over their loss. Expecting them to move on and not be so "negative." I'm sorry... When did the death of a child become so insignificant? Why do people act like it's not worth aching over? I didn't bury a pet when my daughter died. She was my flesh and blood. She looked like my husband. We made her together out of love and she was ours. No one should ever act like I don't have the right to grieve her without deeming me unstable or... dangerous. My baby died. How does that make me a bad person? Do I really deserve the ridicule when all I need is for people to reach out in love? Have I not endured enough from the loss of the only thing I have ever really wanted out of life besides my sweet husband? Having a baby was the dream I have lived to see come true ever since I was a little girl. Avery has been wanted since I was a child... Not since we started trying to conceive. My love for her goes back a long ways... Back to the playing house with my cousin, Heather, days.
I miss those naive days. When you had no idea anything bad could ever happen to you. When you thought getting pregnant happened easily, and that getting pregnant meant you were having a baby in nine months. When you thought only old people passed away. Funerals were only for grandparents. Way back before life really got a hold of me and showed me what pain is.
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12 comments:
it might be just distraction at times, but i've found that even when i do feel genuine happiness and peace, it is often short-lived. this roller coaster of grief just has us up and down and it's impossible to predict what tomorrow will be like. thinking of you...
I'm SO sorry Nicole :( I have a post almost EXACTLY this I swear we are all feelings these same things. I'm SO tired of tip-toeing over OTHER people's feelings when WE are the ones whose babies died. It's ridiculous and SO unfair to us. We should be able to grieve for HOWEVER long we want. I'm SO sorry you're having these rollercoaster of emotions :'( I hate them. I'm thinking about you and Avery always! <3
A difficult lesson that I am learning is that you have to distance yourself from these people who are so uncomfortable with your grief that they make you feel unstable or bad. Even if they are close friends or family you have to step away from them. Otherwise they will just end up tearing you down even more and making it harder for you to exist daily. There is nothing wrong with you at all. You are grieving and hurting. Maybe their intentions are good and they just do not want to see you hurting, but they do not realize that they are being more harmful than helpful. I am sorry for your roller coaster of emotion as well. Praying for you and sending you big hugs! xoxo
You're right. It's wrong & unfair for people with no knowledge telling you how you should or should not grieve. Avery is & always will be your daughter & you will forever have a piece of you missing. At least until that day when He wipes away your tears & the old passes away & there will be no more pain. It has been over 2 years since my Isaac went to be with Jesus & I'm swiftly approaching the 2 year mark that we said goodbye to Hannah. I don't like to say the grief gets "easier" but it definitely "evolves"...some days it's kinda like a dull ache that isn't as profound, other days, it's bittersweet & filled with anticipation of that sweet day you'll hold her again. Then the hardest days, when it's like a tidal wave. Nicole, your Avery is loved & missed. She is important & Heaven is even more beautiful because of her.
It is really unfair how quickly people expect us to move on. They just don't get it. And they really can't because they've never experienced it. It's not the same as losing a parent or a pet or a sibling. It is your child and it's unnatural for a parent to outlive their child, no matter what stage of pregnancy they are at or how old the child is. While I wish with all my heart that the BLM I've met were not BLM I am so glad for the support of all of you and the community we have with each other. Unfortunately we'll never get those naive days back but there will be days of great joy and that's what we have to look forward to on the darkest ones.
I miss those days too...( and it makes me look at my children like they are complete miracles and how is it that they stayed alive and not Liam (since I have this MTHFR) .....Liam is also a miracle, but I want him here with me. why was it so easy with them? and now why is it so hard...we have been trying since August 2009.... 2 pregnancies but they didn't last the nine months like they were supposed to.
((((HUGS)))
Just thinking of you...
I've definitely had many moments where I've been distracted and feeilng pretty good, then something triggers it and it just all comes back. For me, I find that if I don't focus on myself and my feelings for a few days it just gets too overwhelming and I have a major breakdown.
I hope that you can surround yourself by people who are caring and supportive and give you the space and open arms that you need. I was just talking with my husband about that issue tonight! I hate that we have lost our pregnancy innocence. I never thought about everything that could go wrong...now it is all I can think about. I hope you find that that those better days return soon. (((Hugs)))
It is unfair...it's unfair that our babies died, it's unfair that we have to go through this horrible grief, it's unfair that people judge us.
But, no matter what people expect, or how much they judge us, we have to do what is best for us. So, if that means blocking out the people who don't care, or those who judge us for what we have been through, or judge us for not being "over it", then that is what we have to do.
Unfortunately, it typically takes something horrible happening to find out who our true friends are.
But, in the process, we find wonderful, caring people, who help us make it through day by day, step by step.
Nicole - You are truly amazing, and I think of you and Avery often. I know how much you love her and will always love her. She is YOUR beautiful little girl.
The life of a roller coaster...that is what this title should be and what our journey should be known as...the ups feel so good, almost like you can actually BEAT THIS...and then the downs ughhhhh they feel worse than before because its been so long since they been here..this week has been so difficult for me as i approach 6 months without having alyssa in my arms on monday...i believe this month was/is the worst for me...i kind of feel like its because for so long i did not allow myself to truly HEAL for her, i just didnt get any directions in the mail on what im supposed to do...i keep doing this, or that, and thinking ok, if i feel better this is the cure, and then im back again...and i realize i HAVE TO worry for me and no one else...and i suggest this for you as well...im not sure if anyone ever told me that, but i wished i listen to them...only we carry this forever so we should do everything we seem fit for this...this is awful and i dont wish this on my worst enemy and i wish people would just realize what we are going through and leave us ALONE!!!
Sigh... the ups and downs are exhausting in and of themselves, let alone adding the layer of other people's "stuff" and expecations for us.
Right now I shake my head at the mystery of it all. Last weekend I was REALLY down, but OK with that. Something shifted on Thurs. this week (haven't stopped to really examine the day, if anything in particular happened), and I have been feeling "good" the past few days. No idea how long it will last?
As for other people, while it's much easier said than done - that's their stuff to deal with. I think the death of a baby and the grieving we need to do as BLM triggers so much in people - lots of fear. We're not a culture that talks openly about death in general, let alone the death of a baby/child that isn't SUPPOSED to happen.
Hang in there. As the nurse midwife that delivered Acacia told me - you CAN do this. You ARE doing this. Lots of love to you!
Nicole, you completely nailed it on the head!
This journey through grief is such a roller coaster...and can completely take you by surprise when you least expect it. I'm glad you were able to stay busy lately with the house but now make sure you take time for yourself. Find things that you enjoy doing... Hoping that this will help during this tough time.
Take care and lots of love to you.
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