Flashbacks

Today was strange. A dullness loomed over me for most of the afternoon...

We finally got a "cold front" here in Florida. It is no longer 80-something degrees... Well, for the time being anyway. Last night was in the 50s and today has been chilly as well. The weather has brought the temperature of my house to around 70 degrees, which doesn't sound too bad but for some reason, in my bedroom especially, it feels cold. So there I was, heading to my bedroom to get ready for the day, and as soon as I walked in, I was struck by a familiar feeling, a deja vu of sorts. The chill that hung in my room took me back to last winter, living in this same house, pregnant. And I was wearing an old long-sleeved shirt of my husband's and a pair of sweatpants, the same exact cozy outfit I frequented last winter... while I was pregnant. It was such an odd notion, almost like I was taken back to that time, not just remembering what it was like to be there. I walked to my night table, almost expecting to see "My Belly Book" journal and a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

I cannot explain the feelings I was getting, but it was unlike any flashbacks I have had recently. Being pregnant and thinking I was actually going to bring a living child into the world feels like such a distant dream, almost like it never happened. The further I get from the time I was pregnant, the more vague those memories get. Avery's death feels so much more real than anything else about my pregnancy. So today, between my cold room and my choice of loungewear, the memories returned. I really remembered what it felt like.

I walked into the bathroom, turning sideways and looking at myself in the mirror. I thought about how much I used to do that. How I'd faithfully take a photo of myself each Tuesday to document my growing baby bump. I forced myself to stop looking in the mirror, as if I were trying to sabotage myself into getting upset. I am still not pregnant with my rainbow, afterall. I got in the shower, reluctantly, since my bathroom was so frigid. Again, I felt like I was reliving last winter. Feeling freezing despite the hot water. It's silly how something so unimportant can revive thoughts and memories of the past. But it did. I remembered my showers from when I was pregnant. I would think a lot in the shower, especially about the baby. It was so weird how real it all felt. I even touched my stomach to see if I could pretend she was there and make myself believe it. But no. Not even a reverie could be strong enough to erase what my life has really come to. And I let all of that cast a shadow over the rest of my day. Feeling sorry for myself that my baby is gone. Lately, I have just let it become my way of life. It's what I'm used to. It's just the way it is. But today I let it make me sad again for a while.

I just sat here and looked up my old Xanga blog that I began in 2004 and stopped using in early 2006 (I am brave enough to share the link!). It was such a time warp to go back and read through. My life was world's different. I pined to find love, I longed to get married and have babies. I was so innocent and naive, having no idea that my life, 4-6 years later would be this. One of my entries was on March 13, 2005. I just happened to go to a baby shower that day. I talked about how it made me feel lonely because I could not wait to have a baby and share that gift with my husband, to devote my time and my love to my child... And I had no idea that exactly five years later, to the day, I would give birth to a dead baby. Wow... Sometimes I'm still in shock that this is my reality. If you told me, the 21 year old Xanga blogger, that my first baby would die... I don't know what I would have done... or said. I never dreamed that could be me. In all my posts about waiting for 'the one,' I romanticized everything (I was right about the marriage part though... That, for me, is perfect). Even down to having babies. All their names were picked out (Avery was on the list). How many of each gender (Three boys and one girl... A boy first)... To think you can have a say in what you get... I think it might be nice to be that naive again.