So final

As I mentioned in my previous post, emptying what little existed of Avery's room in our moving process was a very difficult and emotional task for us. Even though it was over a week ago, I still wanted to share that day with anyone reading. It was such a huge piece of our journey through this. And maybe it can be a little window into loss for those reading, who aren't aware of the severity of losing a baby and how it continues to impact life...

Welcome to Avery's room. We found this sign a month or so after Avery was gone. It was probably not the smartest thing to do, marking a bedroom with her name after she was already gone, but to us, that was still her room. It barely got to be hers at all. So I guess we wanted to do a little more decorating for her... the decorating we didn't get a chance for.

This is really all that consisted of Avery's room. The little cart used to be out of the closet against the wall, but mine and Daniel's dads moved it into the closet a few days after Avery died so it wouldn't hurt to see it the next time we entered the room. It was a nice gesture, but there was nothing anyone could do to soften that blow. So here, in the closet, are all the things we had gotten for Avery in the 25 weeks she was with us.

The stack of books that used to sit on my night table. I loved flipping through these. I loved reading about names and reading about Avery's stages of growth and what she was doing each week. It was all so exciting.

Each week at the grocery store, I would pick up new items that I would need. I clipped coupons and loved stocking up and preparing for our baby.

This is the box that the fetal heart doppler came in. The one we ordered the night I believe Avery passed away. I ordered it on Amazon to ease my nerves. Note the date on the box. It's the day after we found out Avery was gone and the day before she was born.

And here it is. Never got to use it. I asked my doctor if I should sell it. She said I should keep it because I'll want to ease my worries in my next pregnancy. I liked that she was honest with me. I'm sure I'll be paranoid that another little heart will stop beating.

I really think she would have loved Mommy.

I adore these little shoes. I got them at Old Navy on sale. I could not wait to see a pretty little girl wearing these sweet little shoes on her chubby little feet. I pray I still get to someday.

We bought this dress to bring Avery home from the hospital in. It's newborn size but it still looked like it would be too big for her. Ha! It really was too big for her when she was born, huh? And she wouldn't be coming home from the hospital. She left there wrapped in a blanket. Not this pretty dress.

I LOVED this dress. I wish everyone could see how small those little bloomers are. When you see them, you laugh because they're so cute and little. I think this probably would've been my favorite outfit on Avery. It probably would have brought out her blue eyes.

Here's everything we had for Avery. It fits in one corner of the room. We didn't get a chance to do much for her. She was gone only a couple weeks after we found out she was a girl. And I didn't make it to my baby shower. I know it's better that way.

Daniel, sitting on the floor in Avery's room. He'd been avoiding packing up Avery's room all week. He wanted us to do it together so I waited until he was ready. Of course, I didn't want to do it either. But I knew it had to be done. And I kind of wanted to just get it over with since it would be hard to do.

I hate that what exists of our daughter is contained in boxes. This box is filled with things we have brought to her grave and have taken back home. It also has other things that remind us of her.

Here is everything, in two boxes. It took Daniel and I several minutes before we were ready to tape the boxes closed. I sat in front of the clothes box, tape in hand. That's when I finally broke down and cried. That's when I felt like this was all so final. We'd be moving out of the house she was alive in. The house where she had a bedroom. She would never again have a bedroom in our home. These boxes would be labeled 'Baby' instead of 'Avery's room.' I should have folded these clothes because I did laundry, not because I was finally packing them away, unworn, for a hopeful, eventual next sibling.

It was so weird to see the closet empty.

So empty. So final. We never even got to paint it for her.

And we made it through it.

I don't post all of these photos to make people sad or to make people feel sorry for me. I know my fellow babyloss moms out there can agree that emptying nurseries was a huge step in their grieving process. I happened to just wait forever to finally take this step. Daniel and I finally packing it all up was such a huge deal for us, I had to include it here on our journey.

I guess there's also another part of me that worries that non-babyloss moms/people don't know the severity of losing a baby. That they don't know the depths of loss's affect on us and what we have to deal with forever after. And they wouldn't know because they haven't been there. They shouldn't be expected to. How could they? But just to raise awareness of what goes on after losing a baby makes me feel better. 

So here's the extra bedroom at our new house (before we set it up, of course). It needs a paint job. I wish it was getting painted pink and that there was a crib in it. But I just have to hope for the future, when we can turn it into a baby's room. When it's more than just a closet half-full of clothes. When I have a baby in my arms that I can rock to sleep in this room. <3

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” - John 14:1-4