Due Date

It's only a little ways into June 22nd. But already, Daniel and I have cried together. It's so odd how at the turn of midnight, sadness automatically sets in. Avery could be here right now. I could be at the hospital right now. She could be silly and still perfectly content in my belly, not wanting to come out anytime soon... Whatever would be going on, won't be... That's all that matters. We don't need to think about what could be happening right now. Because it's not. Avery already came and she's already gone. I'm not huge and uncomfortable, waiting to pop any second. In fact, I'm down 25 or so pounds since the height of my pregnancy. But it's so easy to torment ourselves with what is supposed to be. Avery is supposed to be here... now, or anyday now. But she is gone.
Even though it's been a little over three months, there's still a gut-wrenching, heart-searing pain that throbs constantly. And I know Daniel and I will always feel that. No matter how many children we get to keep and how many years go by. We will pause and say things like, "Avery would probably be starting to walk now"... "Avery would be starting kindergarten today"... "Avery would be graduating high school today"... "I wonder if Avery would be married by now"... It's not going to go away. Daniel and I realize that. But that doesn't make it any less hard to live with. And the wound gets more tender with hurdles like today...
June 22nd... I so longingly looked forward to this day. It was the answer to a beautiful question that I had always wanted to be asked, "When are you due?" It felt like the day just could not come soon enough... like it would never come. But here it is. Just a day. Just another ordinary day. No excitement and happiness. Just pain and empty-handedness. I wish Avery was still coming. I wish it so badly. Sometimes I still cannot believe that this is our life. Sometimes I can't believe that I am one of those mothers... My baby died. I sit in front of her grave instead of smiling at her in her crib. I buy pinwheels and other lawn ornaments to decorate her stone instead of buying diapers and wipes. This kind of motherhood is so difficult.
I'd give anything to be up all night with a screaming baby... to feel like I never have time to myself... to barely have time to even take a shower... to feel like Daniel and I don't get alone time anymore... to never sleep in ever again... to change awful diapers... to cart a million things with me just to go out somewhere... to constantly smell like spit-up... to not be able to go anywhere I want whenever I want... to give up a flexible social life... to devote all my time and energy to the needs of my baby over mine... All these things and more, I'd be willing to do. Anything to have Avery here with us. To hear her cry. To see her smile. To look into her eyes. To feel the warmth of her body in my arms. To feel her hand clasped around my finger. To see her move. To see her grow up... We didn't just lose our baby... I'm not just "not pregnant" anymore... We lost a whole lifetime of memories and love. We lost everything that she was supposed to do... All the things we were supposed to do with her. I think a lot of people just don't realize the extent of it. But to understand the depth and severity, they would have to experience it as well. That's not something I wish on anyone.
So, even though it's already the 22nd, I still feel like "tomorrow" is the day... When I wake up, I will begin living through my due date... knowing Avery should be coming but isn't... That she should be on her way any moment but she's already gone.

God grant us the strength to stand.