Father's Day Shopping

I went out shopping for Father's Day today with my sister-in-law, Amber. My spirits were surprisingly high for the occasion, but more and more I felt sad as we browsed. We went to Hallmark first to pick out some cards for our dads and I was definitely getting one for Daniel. Of course, both Mother's Day and Father's Day are so soon after our daughter passes away... and Father's Day is just two days before Avery's estimated arrival date. Of course. I read through so many 'husband' cards for Daniel. So many of them did not fit at all. So many spoke of crazy days juggling our lives with the kids, toys all over the house, watching Daniel play and laugh with our child... *Open wound, cue salt* I did finally end up with a card that talked nothing about children or about Daniel being a father, which I wasn't satisfied with but at least it talked about how wonderful he is and how much I love him. I'll have to rely on my own words.

I mentioned in my first post how statistically there are about 2 million parents grieving children per year. I think that's a lot. Why can't Hallmark make a card to commemorate parents who have lost their child? Why does society constantly remind us how out of place we are? How left out and lonely we're supposed to feel... Watching seemingly everyone I know be pregnant and/or have children obviously wasn't enough of a reminder that I'm left out and don't belong in the same happy rejoicing group of parents.
I find it so sad, if it's okay to throw my own pity party for a minute, that my first Mother's Day is what it was. I waited my whole life to finally be a part of that day. And when I finally was, it was a sad day. It wasn't a "happy" Mother's Day. I got to spend it focusing on the absence of my daughter... Being a childless mother. Praying that everyone remembered that I'm still a mother even though my child isn't here. Some never acknowledged my right that day, but thankfully, most did.
And now, in just a couple more days, it's Daniel's turn to experience his first Father's Day. I want to make it so special for him. As special as it can be knowing that Avery was supposed to be here any day now. I can't say what I'm doing for him since he reads this, but I know he will love it. I adore the fact that Daniel is so sentimental and appreciative of things. There is no one else I'd rather go through any of this with. I'd rather mourn and struggle along with Daniel than be living an easy, care-free life with anyone else.
I hope everyone else recognizes Daniel like he deserves. During the labor and delivery process with Avery, it seemed like Daniel was overlooked a lot, as if he wasn't also going through it just because he wasn't the one giving birth. He already loved Avery as if she'd spent those six months in his arms and not in my womb. He already loved her as if he'd known her his whole life. Some parents start bonding the moment their child is born. But we started bonding with Avery before she was even conceived. We had started writing to her in a journal when we started trying for her. And sometimes, I still jot her down a little note.
Being parents is very real to Daniel and me. We're the parents that no one wants to be. But we are still parents. And we still love loving our little girl. Even though it's difficult, we're so proud to be her parents.