4 Months

Today marked four months since Avery was born. Four months since we said goodbye. I really can't believe that much time has gone by since we last held our little girl. But on the other hand, I feel like I can't imagine a time before this was my life. Being pregnant feels like eons ago. It seems I can hardly recall what it's like to even be pregnant and to think our little girl was coming. Avery being gone feels so much more real than her being alive and I think that's really sad. The six months she was alive feels so surreal, like a foggy dream. I remember all the details but it feels like another life. It's so strange.

It's almost crazy to me that there was a time where we ever really thought we were having a baby in June. Sadly enough, it feels so normal that she's gone. I have now been conditioned to think it's rare to have a baby, instead of it being rare to have a stillborn. To me, it's hard to imagine that women so easily birth perfectly healthy living babies. It's so astounding. Each person you see walking down the street is such a miracle. I guess I should be encouraged that there are so many living people on this planet. That means billions and billions of successful pregnancies. I guess when I think of how many billions there are, I then want to ask, "why me?" And why Kelly? Why Daniele? Why Kristin? Why Danae? Why Jennifer? Why Angie? Why Dana? Why Andi? Why all of the beautiful, wonderful women I have come to know that have experienced this as well? I don't want to start the it's not fair rant.

It's so odd how not a single woman I've met who's experienced this tragedy has even remotely "deserved" it. I don't want to use that word, because no woman ever deserves to lose their baby. But for lack of a better word, there it is. It seems like it's never the woman who neglects her children or abuses them. Never the woman who's addicted to drugs and alcohol while she's pregnant. Never the girl who got pregnant at 15. Never the woman who was going to abort her baby but only kept it because she chickened out. Never the woman who got pregnant who got pregnant sleeping around... Now again, no one deserves to lose their child, but if anyone does, why is it always the woman who is a great mother? The woman who has a beautiful marriage? The woman who spent months trying so hard to get pregnant with her husband? The woman who truly adores children? The woman who kept herself as healthy as possible during pregnancy? The woman who would even hold her breath when walking by cigarette smoke, to keep her baby safe? The woman who spent her entire life dreaming of the day she'd have a baby?

I guess these trying times only befall the strong. I'm not trying to speak highly of myself, but when I look at all the women I know who are struggling down this path, I know it's true. These women are good and honorable. I guess it takes a special woman to be the Mom of a baby in Heaven. We've been entrusted with these precious babies that could only stay for a moment. We have the capacity to honor and love them as they deserve... And in that, they live on forever.