Fireworks Never Looked So Dull

Yesterday was so hard for us.

It hit me as I packed a tote bag for Daniel and me with our bathing suits and my camera... I shouldn't be packing a tote bag. I should be packing a diaper bag. We were heading to my parents' house for the Independence Day festivities. It probably would have been Avery's first outing. I pictured her while we there at the BBQ. I imagined that she would have been wearing a patriotic sundress, all red, white, and blue. Maybe a matching bow in her hair, if she had enough hair. Everyone would be passing my beautiful newborn around, smiling at her and cooing over her. I'd be taking pictures of her to commemorate her very first 4th of July.

But that's not how it went.

To commemorate Avery and make her a part of it, I wrote her name in the air with a sparkler and saved what was left of the burned out stick. I watched the fireworks, feeling so empty and sad. Yes, fireworks never looked so dull... I shouldn't have been able to watch them. I should have been inside with my baby. She'd be too little to be around them. They'd be too loud for her. I wouldn't mind missing the fireworks for Avery. What I wouldn't do for her...

I feel like I miss Avery a lot more lately. I feel like there are more "bad days" mixed in again. I think it's changing because I know she's supposed to be here now. I got used to the "I should be pregnant right now" sadness. But now I have entered into the "she should be here now" sadness. It's a rough life to live, I must say. Not many people understand, which is actually a good thing, because you'd have to have walked in my shoes to really get it. I'd rather walk this road alone than have someone go through it and understand.