Other times, I can't stop thinking about what has happened. Other times, I am fully aware that my world is fraught with brokenness. But all the time? I miss her. I know that's never going to go away. The triggers are everywhere. I am reminded everywhere I go that Avery is not here.
But sometimes I feel stronger and triggers don't have as much of a physical impact as they did in the early days. But at least now, I just seem to have bad/sad moments and not bad/sad days... Or bad weeks. I'm more myself now, which surprises some people. I'm not psychotic or dangerous. I'm not suicidal or depressed. I'm still me. I just have a lot of pain in my heart.
Last night, my husband and I were having one of those 'stronger' moments and we decided it was time to look at the CD we actually requested from the hospital, with the images from the ultrasound that confirmed that Avery was gone. It brought me back to March 11th. How I felt to be laying there, knowing in my heart what they weren't saying. Oddly enough, seeing these images made me feel closer to Avery. To read the notes of her measurements. To see her little body as it was for the last moments in my womb. I cried a lot last night.
One of Avery's last ultrasounds where they could not detect her heartbeat (no fhr seen). You can see the line over her heart, trying to find a tone, and the flatline across the bottom. :(
My husband then got out our photos of Avery and we went through all of them. And I cried even more. It's amazing how much emotion we can hold back with these flood gates. It's crazy how easy it is to let them all out every once in a while. But I think that's good. I think it's part of the healing process, to have a good cry every so often.
I actually think if I stopped getting sad sometimes, it would upset me. I know it probably sounds silly, but I feel like if I never got sad over Avery's absence, then it means she's less a part of me. Like I'm less connected to her. I don't ever want to be okay with her absence. Sure, maybe it could hurt less as the years go on, but I wouldn't mind in the least, if her sweet face could still bring me to tears when I show her photos to my grandchildren.
9 comments:
Sweet Avery. It breaks my heart to see that ultrasound, but it's beautiful too. This is where I am at right now too: sometimes, sad, sometimes happy, but overall surviving. I'm so glad you have these memories of your beautiful daughter.
Your post has been tearing up. I have a CD of the last ultrasound done of Jacob, which confirmed that he died. The only video ultrasound I have of him is one that shows his heart isn't beating (what I would do for one of when he was alive). It also has a note about the FHR and he is just lying there. There is even a time when I can see when I took a deep breath. I've watched it twice, most of the time I just don't feel strong enough, but I'm glad I have it.
I feel the same way about crying. If I don't cry one day (and there has only been one day so far when I haven't cried - it will be 2 months on August 1), I feel guilty. Sometimes having a good cry actually makes me feel better. It is the same thing as you, I feel like I am farther away from Jacob when I'm not crying or feeling horrible.
I love that last line you wrote about showing her photos to your grandchildren. Our babies will never be forgotten if we have anything to do with it!
Oh my God Nicole, that photo of the sonogram just broke my heart. I am in tears with you love. Poor poor sweet Avery. <3
I choking back the tears...that silent picture is just heartbreaking. Avery will never be forgotten...she is too precious to forget. And her future brothers and sisters, and her nieces and nephews will know her. She is loved!
Oh my gosh, That ultrasound picture with the flat line took my breath away, that's the image I saw of Stevie too :( What a horrible, nightmarish moment. Xoxo
Wow, what a brave mama you are! Avery is so loved and always will be. Just because you do not cry does not mean you do not remember and hurt. These are wounds that will never go away. We just learn to live with it. There is a huge part of our hearts that can never belong to anyone else. It has been claimed and stamped with tiny footprints. Big hugs tonight!
It takes so much strength to go through the few mementos that we have left of our babies. My husband and I also pick certain times to look at everything. I still have a strong need to cry over Drew's death. If I haven't cried for a few days, I will just lay down with his stuffed animal and think about our few hours holding him. That generally allows the tears to come. Avery's ultrasound is heartbreaking. What a sweet and beautiful baby. I know that she will be in your heart forever.
I have Evan's 18wk 5d ultrasound profile picture as the wallpaper on my phone still.
I want to change it to one of him with me but my phone will not cooperate with my pc via the USB cable.
Its a picture of him when he was still perfect. He was growing and developing and right on target.
I can't bear to change it to a picture of him and I in the NICN (neonatal intensive care nursery) as the baby I held in my arms for 4 days wasn't the same baby I carried for 9 months. The wiggly bouncy super active little boy I knew inside wasn't the one in my arms.
Atleast when I pull out my phone I see him as he was for 9 months. Absolutely perfect.
Love it.. Plus then I could put everyone on my christmas card list.
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