Missing her

I'm not quite sure what it is, but lately, these past few days, I have missed Avery more than usual. I think it became my normal, not having her here. But right now, I feel like I hate it all over again. It feels harder not to have her with me, watching her grow, taking care of her. I think it all started when Daniel and I packed up her bedroom last week to get ready for our move to the new house. I planned to do a post about that, filled with photos of her things and her room, but I have been so busy and have no had internet access. Maybe I'll do it soon anyway... even if it is past due.

I also think it's hard to be without Avery because Christmas is coming. I was pregnant with her last Christmas, and it made the season so much more magical. When I think of Christmas last year, that's all I really remember. We first heard her heartbeat on December 8th. Our first ultrasound was December 11th. All these things colored last year so brightly. And this year, she's not even here.

I almost lost it in Wal-mart last night because I saw some really cute 'Baby's 1st Christmas' things. I picked one up and thought about how Avery would be spending Christmas in Heaven, not here with us. A part of me wanted to buy it, for sentimental purposes, I guess... Because it would have been her first Christmas... had she not died. I don't know what's appropriate or weird... I don't think there is any cookie cutter way to do anything. Because losing a baby is not natural. It's not supposed to happen. They don't sell 'Baby's 1st Christmas in Heaven' stuff. Maybe they should. Then maybe we wouldn't feel so left out. The wound wouldn't sting as much.

I saw my cousin's baby boy, Eli, yesterday. He was due three weeks before Avery was, so my cousin and I were pregnant together for a while. I always imagined that her baby and mine would be close since their ages would be so close. They live across the country so I hadn't seen Eli since he was a week or so old. All I could think about was that Avery should be here with us, getting her picture taken next to Eli and us comparing their sizes. Avery should be doing the same things that Eli can do. But she doesn't. She came and went before he was even born. They won't be little playmates. We won't see them grow up together. I did love holding him though. As much as it saddens me to be reminded of what I don't have, I cherish the chance to spend time with a baby. Someone's miracle. Someone's blessing. I love that there are babies that live. It astounds me. All I know of birth and pregnancy is death and dismay. I like surrounding myself with success stories. Even when it makes me feel left out or sad.

A friend of mine had her baby girl a couple days ago. I haven't seen her yet, but when I do, she'll be the first baby girl I will see since Avery. I wonder if that will be hard. I can't imagine what that's like... to bring your baby home and be so overwhelmed and overjoyed. I wonder what it's like to look into your baby's eyes and see her looking back at you. I'm so happy for my friend. She's going to be a great mother. I wish our little girls could be friends.

On a brighter note!! We moved on Saturday, November 13th. Avery's 8 month birthday. I am in love with our new home. It feels like a fresh start. And I like that. I have been toying around with the idea of starting another blog. One that's more general. I feel like this one is strictly Avery and our life without her. So my other blog, if I do it, will be more of life in general, day to day happenings, my marriage, that sort of thing. So be on the lookout!! ;)