Real Fall

On Tuesday, I got back from visiting Levittown, Pennsylvania with my parents and two of my brothers (Shaun & Sam). We were there for six days. It was difficult for me to be away from Daniel, but I did manage to enjoy myself. It was hard not to, what with all the beauty of an actual Fall.

I was born and raised in Florida... Before this past week, I had never seen colored leaves. Well, television doesn't count. I was amazed by the shades of red, orange, and yellow. In Florida, our trees stay green sometimes as late as December. They go from green to dead and brown. Nothing pretty in between. It's really not fair.

The weather in PA was beautiful. I went from wearing shorts, sleeveless shirts, and flip-flops to jeans, cardigans, and actual shoes (which were all purchased before we left for the trip). And since I have returned home, I have been back in shorts and sleeveless shirts! (We are getting a cold front for tomorrow, though, so the 60-something degree weather will be nice.)

Being in PA, in another place that I haven't been to in five or six years really gave me a break from myself and my life. My life as the grieving mother, not the happy wife. I don't need a break from Daniel or our life together. But I didn't realize that I did need a break from who I am and how I feel about my life since Avery died. I didn't realize how much of my thoughts are consumed by her absence or how much I notice how everyone else has what I long for. While I was away, I didn't dwell on any of that. Sure, I had some thoughts that Avery should be there with me, all bundled up with a cold pink nose. I should have taken photos of her in the orange leaves. But I didn't dwell on that there. I guess being there was a bit of a time warp for me. I grew up visiting there frequently in the summers with my family. This was the first time I'd been there since I've even known Daniel. So maybe a part of me felt like I was still a kid, with my parents and my brothers... Not the mother who lost her baby. It was nice not to feel like such a freak, such a left out person. A childless mother. Never fitting in with all of the other moms. I didn't have to deal with that. I liked it.

I loved learning how to use my new Nikon D90 camera. I loved catching scenes I have never seen before, in all their glory. I felt proud of myself and excited that I was seeing my talent play out. I missed Daniel fiercely, wishing so badly he could share it all with me too, but I loved being away from this place.

I turned 27 on October 23rd. I don't mind getting older. I think it's a priviledge to grow old, especially alongside the love of your life. But what bothers me about my age is that I am not where I wanted to be by now. My birthday last year was perfect. I was pregnant and had nothing to wish for when I blew out my candles. This year I did. I wished for another baby. A healthy one I could keep this time. (I'm still not pregnant, by the way... We're now at 6 months and counting as far as trying goes.) I always wanted to have all of my children in my 20's... or most of them anyway. Will I be able to have any that stay in the next three years? Funny how we think we can plan our lives when we're kids... "I want to be married at 23 and have all of my kids before I'm 30," I would say. I got married five days before 25 and I'm 27 with no living kids to show for. We definitely don't get to choose... Well, it seems like mostly everyone else does get to choose, but for some reason, I have never been able to.

I guess I had a lot of time to step back and look at my life while I was away. I felt so removed from everything I have been going through. I guess it was easy to feel like I was in another world, another reality. I didn't feel defined by my loss. I didn't find myself in any settings where I was reminded my arms are empty. It was nice for once. It was like I could think on the sweet things of Avery instead of the sad ones.

Regardless of how much easier it was "to be me" while I was away, I could not wait to get home to Daniel, to be with him again. It was the longest we'd been apart since 2006. I didn't think it was possible, but we bonded and grew even closer through being apart for six days. I may be without my child, but I am definitely not without the love of an amazing man I am blessed to call my husband and my best friend.