Pain is a Megaphone

I had a few set backs this week as far as healing goes. "Two steps forward, one step back." I guess I should have expected it. Tuesday (6/22) was my due date. How could it not be hard? How could I not regress a little?

It was a very difficult day. I cried a lot. Daniel did too. I'm so glad he's not afraid to feel things and to show how it affects him. That is a man. (I'm so proud of him.) I spent most of Tuesday in bed, trying to sleep as late as possible. I wrote Avery a letter. (If you have been through something like this, I recommend writing your baby/child a letter. It can be therapeutic.)

When Daniel got home from work, we watched a Louie Giglio DVD called "Hope: When Life Hurts Most." It was very helpful and offered a lot of comfort. (Thank you, Kelly) It talked about how horrible things come but God didn't do it to us. He knows it will happen but He doesn't do it to us. He loves us and wants good to come out of these awful things... Beauty from ashes. Struggle is just a part of what comes along with living in this evil world. No one is exempt from it; not even Christians. Louie also talked about how our pain is a megaphone. We are all broadcasting something with our lives. What does our broadcast say? When we are visibly in a trial, going through pain, suffering, everyone around us is watching us, seeing how we are fairing the storm. Can they learn something from us? Can we depict a beautiful picture of God's grace through our struggle? Someone who is actually going through something real seems to have so much more credibility message-wise than someone who is sailing effortlessly through life. Example... If you were struggling with drug use, who would you rather seek advice from: someone who used to be addicted and found a way out? Or someone who just knows that drugs are dangerous and can't give you anything from personal experience? Just like how it's easier for me to seek comfort talking to my friend who lost her baby last year, than a person who has not lost a child, even if they spoke the same exact phrase of encouragement. Someone who has been there... It helps. That's not to say that you can't make a difference or do anything for God or for good if you have never "been through" anything. You absolutely can. This is to encourage those who feel broken by the things that have happened to them. We can turn it around and use it for positive things. I don't want Avery's life to just be a sad story. She deserves more than that. Through her, big things can happen.

I thought about this very blog as I watched Louie's sermon. This blog is my megaphone. I can broadcast so much with it. I can use it to help others through the same thing I am going through. I can use it for good if I allow God to work through me. That doesn't mean I am going to handle this situation with perfect grace every moment of everyday. I'm not expected to and it's impossible. But I do desire so much for something... anything positive to come out of something that has cut so deeply. If I can encourage even one person, then I will be glad for that.

Daniel and I spent the rest of Tuesday going to visit Avery and then spending the evening together at home. We brought Avery new flowers for her grave and some new pinwheels (since hers disappeared). We still really love visiting her... even though we know full well that she's not really there. She is in Heaven. If Avery can't be here with us, then there's no other place I'd wish for her to be.

I can't believe it's been a week now since my due date. It's so hard to know that Avery would be here by now. I shouldn't have time to sit here and type this. I should be up feeding her, maybe rocking her back to sleep. Changing her diaper. Snuggling her close... We miss her everyday. That's never going to change... but at least some days are better than others.